How-To Find Your Purpose In Life (When You Feel Like You Have None)

I always dreaded the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. Nails on a chalkboard would have honestly been less painful.

It was the second grade, and I remember being huddled in my elementary school cafeteria. One of our teachers was excitedly giving a talk on careers, getting every kid in the room psyched up thinking about what they want to do with the rest of their lives.

One by one, she asked each kid what they want to be when they grow up.

“I want to be a policeman!” one kid blurted out. “I want to be a construction worker!” another echoed. “I want to be a teacher!” said another kid.

The room was infectious with energy. Each kid could barely hold in their enthusiasm, yelling out the first career that came to mind which sounded cool (or whatever career their parents had which sounded exciting to them).

I sat in the back, not raising my hand because I felt so anxious. The tone of the room echoed that I needed to have my entire life figured out at or before the age of seven.

Fast forward to the fourth grade. My class had a career day, where everyone dressed up in a costume representing whatever they decided they were going to do with the rest of their lives.

I was the only kid who did not wear a costume. Not that I didn’t want clarity on my future, I did. But I simply had no clue.

I felt extremely self-conscious, knowing that I was walking into a classroom full of kids who allegedly decided what they wanted to do with their lives before they lost all of their baby teeth.

And here I was; dorky, unpopular, and not having a single idea as to what I wanted to do with my life. I stood in a room full of wannabe fighter pilots, teachers, doctors, firefighters, soldiers, and attorneys, just wearing blue jeans, sneakers and my favorite Pokemon t-shirt.

What was I doing wrong? Why did all of these kids seem to have their whole lives figured out, and I was sitting here without a clue in the world as to what I wanted to do?

I drifted through the uncomfortable phases of middle school, bullies, being confused about whether or not it was cool to like girls, and the looming onset of puberty.

I still had no clue as to what I wanted to do with my life.

I remember playing in the backyard of our suburban Denver home on a snowy, blizzard day, thinking about college. The thought at the time scared me; moving away from mom and dad? What would I do in college? What would I do as a career?

And when am I finally going to figure out this seemingly unsolvable puzzle regarding what I was going to do with my life?

Sure, I had hobbies. I liked playing video games on my Nintendo 64, and later my brand new Xbox. I had a 10-gallon freshwater aquarium, and I loved keeping fish. I had an interest in marine animals (especially as a younger kid), and from time to time, I entertained the thought of becoming a marine biologist, among many other professions.

In school, I was never a particularly good student. At the age of three, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Each school year, there was usually at least one subject that I struggled in (it was usually math or some other subject I simply didn’t care about).

I remember constantly getting concerned talks from my parents and teachers, telling me that I need to do better in my grades or I would be held back a grade, and how humiliating that would feel. Being constantly reminded that my friends would graduate to the next grade level, and I would be stuck with the underclassmen in the grade before us.

These subjects bored me to tears. But the thought of being abandoned because my friends understood fractions and I did not was an incredibly worse paint to deal with.

I did pass those subjects of course, but often by the skin of my teeth (and probably some sympathy from the teachers).

Because learning was so difficult for me (newsflash; I was just really, REALLY bored and disengaged in school), I was often placed in the lowest denominator classes, aka “special education”. This of course came with constant reminders of how I was not doing well in school, both from teachers and bullies trying to assert their supposed intellectual dominance over me.

Fast forward to high school. Same story, same problems. And still, I did not even have the slightest clue as to what I wanted to do when I grew up.

I eventually discovered an interest in filmmaking from a high school class, so I enrolled in a local film school. I studied that subject for three years. I loved the field, and I saw being a film director and working in the movie industry as my calling in life.

However, after my second year, I became depressed. I realized all of the ass kissing required in that field, the difficulty of making it in Hollywood, and the fact that I was still living with my parents was not cutting it for me.

After grasping at straws, I finally decided to pull the trigger and give marine biology a shot.

So I scouted universities, found a small state university in Northern California, and attended it for four years, where I would earn my bachelors degree.

Whenever I would tell people what I am studying in college, it would always be met with “Oh my god, you are so lucky! How amazing that you get to do that!”.

But like my previous field of choice, something about this just didn’t feel right, either.

I felt mixed with both an interest in marine life and also uncertain feelings about all of this. Through all of the dry statistics, chemistry, and life sciences courses, I realized that I was simultaneously repelled away from those fundamental subjects while feeling drawn towards creative activities (although I did at least find some of my upper-level marine science classes to be fairly interesting).

Part of me seriously envied the fine arts and creative writing students, whose grades were based on how well they expressed themselves. Not based on how well anyone could demonstrate their knowledge of the quadratic equation. Or some complicated statistical function. Or identifying and naming a complex carbon structure.

This was my best guess at what would make me happy after all, and yet many aspects of it were not personally satisfying to me.

And this field required at least a masters, if not a Ph.D. to be successful as a marine biologist. Which despite all of this, I decided I needed to get in order to make it in this field.

And since I had no better direction in life, that is exactly what I set my sights on. I decided that things would make a lot more sense once I got to graduate school and it would eventually come together.

And maybe it would have.

I eventually did a few jobs post-college; I worked as a summer camp employee in the Florida Keys, moved back in with my parents in Denver and took a few low paying jobs while I searched for work in my field, all while keeping my hopes up.

But job rejection after job rejection for seasonal, low-paying work I was not even 100% sure I would enjoy in the first place wore on me after awhile. Several months of living with my parents passed, and I still had no leads.

Until I finally landed an internship with the US Fish and Wildlife Service in Anchorage, Alaska. And that sounded wonderful… until I got there.

I walked into the old, musky building and looked around, taking notice of all of the seemingly neutral (and even depressed) faces. Everyone was at least 10 years older than me. They all seemed to hate their jobs, getting stuck in a rut after being over-educated and finding this as their best option for a living.

The offices were sterile cubicles with phones ringing in the background. It felt like I was living in the movie Office Space.

In other words, I had entered what I would soon discover to be my emotional version of hell.

Not even a month in, and I already couldn’t stand the job. In fact, I would even come home after the internship, feeling drained and needing to hole up in my room to recharge in any way I could.

On a couple of occasions, I even broke down crying, for absolutely no reason.

So I made the decision that things needed to change. Five months in, I quit the year-long internship, moved back in with my parents, and I took a full-time job driving a school bus for a year and a half, while I also worked part-time at a museum doing educational outreach with kids and families.

I used this time to start fresh and figure out what I really wanted in life.

I gave myself permission to start over and find what truly resonates with my soul.

Eventually, I found an interest in User Experience design (you can read all about it in my other blog found here). I studied UX design at a tech training bootcamp and moved to eastern Tennessee when I was offered my first job within this field, and I now feel more alive and satisfied than ever.

As I write this article, I am approaching my 30th birthday. Clearly, I have had quite a bit of experience related to finding one’s passion.

Here is a list of what I have personally learned along the way :)

No One Has A Single Mission In Life

The concept of one person having a single mission or purpose in life is ridiculous. We look at people who seem to have had their lives figured out at a young age, pursued it and became ultra successful at their craft. And that is fantastic.

But here is the thing; people are NOT one-dimensional creatures. We have roles beyond our career. For example, that person who felt a calling to become a doctor may also be a father or a mother. And a caretaker to their elderly parents. And a little league coach.

That person in their late 20s may have a purpose to travel and see the world. To experience new cultures. To form lasting friendships, and find love. To fuel and ignite their soul in a glorious blaze filled with growth, excitement and life lessons.

Defining someone by their career as their single purpose in life is like looking at a three dimensional object and associating it as two dimensional, simply because you are unable to see all the sides of it.

You will have numerous roles and purposes throughout your life, which will come and go as new opportunities arise, new friendships and relationships are formed, new skills are developed and new passions are discovered and explored.

We Are All Figuring This Out As We Go

“I see my path, but I don’t know where it leads. Not knowing where I’m going is what inspires me to travel it.” — Rosalia De Castro

I distinctly remember one of my Zoology professors in college. He told a story of growing up in San Diego, barely graduating high school, and becoming a police officer somewhere along the way, before eventually enrolling in the university I attended as an undergraduate and earning a bachelors and masters degree in the biological sciences.

I remember having a conversation with him about this very subject, and how part of me still felt lost and unsure about life and where I am headed. And he said something (in a half-joking manner) that both surprised and stuck with me;

“I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, either.”

Although he was partly joking, I also knew there was some deep, underlying truth to what he said. And that is what genuinely surprised me. Here I was, a young adult in my early 20s with only the faintest clue as to what I want to do with my life, talking to a man nearly twice my age, who openly admitted to me that he does not know what he wants out of life.

The truth is, figuring our lives out is a life long journey in itself. People seem to think that someone is touched by the magical genie of purpose. And POOF! They work their asses off, get to that point, and live their lives happily ever after.

But even for people who really seem to know what they want out of life from a very young age, that is not entirely accurate.

Even the most seemingly clear-sighted individuals who find what they want to do in life and go directly for that never have a completely straight forward path, for it is constantly evolving and changing in its own way. Yes, they may have more self-awareness and clarity. But they are also humans.

Truthfully, it is impossible to decide you want to do something at such a young age when you hardly have any life experience.

It’s Never Too Late

“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” -George Eliot

One of the things I was very self-conscious of was thinking I was behind in life. Seeing that my peers and friends from long ago are now in managerial roles, getting married and starting a family, traveling the world and doing all sorts of cool things.

And here I was, still trying to figure out what I want to do with my damn career.

But here’s the thing; if you don’t start, you will never know what it would have been like to go down that path. To try that new experience. To travel the world. To start a family. To do things which your heart draws you towards.

Too often, people become self-concerned with wanting to do something. But they often remark that they are “too old” or “too young”. Here is the thing; age is not an issue. Momentum is ultimately the deciding factor.

People who want something bad enough do not ask silly questions about age and whether or not they can accomplish what they desire. They just get to work and start doing it.

• Jeff Bezos started Amazon when he was 31.
• Stan Lee created his first comic book when he was 39 years old
• Samuel L Jackson didn’t get his first big movie break until he was 43 years old
• Julia Child did not become a celebrity chef until the age of 50.
• Michael Bloomberg entered politics at the age of 59.
• Colonel Harland Sanders did not found KFC until the age of 62
• Grandma Moses did not start painting until the age of 78.

Purpose Is Highly Overemphasized

I believe that we often place way too much emphasis on what we were meant to do. Yes, some people like Elon Musk are doing some pretty incredible things, and at such a young age. But everyone’s lives are vastly different. Every single upbringing, even under the same roof and in the same household, will ultimately have different experiences and results. They will be exposed to new, and different opportunities.

But here’s the thing; we think of our life purpose as some sort of holy grail. That we will fully know what it is, and it will reveal itself to us one day, as it hovers in the air and emits a glowing, radiant aura where angels are singing and we finally exclaim in a tear-filled relief “I have found it! MY PURPOSE IN LIFE! I FINALLY FOUND IT!!!”.

But purpose is not exactly a tangible subject, nor is it anything that simple.

Life often does not make a ton of sense. As stated in a previous point, figuring your life out is a lifelong journey in itself. It’s not something that you are one day smacked upside the head with.

It’s an elusive concept that changes, moves, morphs, and shifts form as we age and become wiser, gain new experiences, knowledge, and skills.

Sure, the direction you are on may NOT be to start a billion dollar company.

But maybe one of your primary purposes is to be a good mom or dad.

Maybe your purpose is to learn, explore and grow in this world.

Maybe your purpose is to take care of family members.

It does not have to be something particularly big or grand. As long as you have a direction and a reason to get up every single day, you have a purpose.

Sure, you should absolutely have goals, dreams, and desires you are working towards. But too often, people try to make sense of something which is not quite as clear-cut as we would like it to be.

You don’t have to become a billionaire. Or cure cancer. Or make history. You just have to be the best version of yourself, today and in this present moment.

We Are Complex, Multidimensional Beings

Have you ever heard of The Butterfly Effect, where a butterfly flaps it’s wings in China, and it causes a tornado in Kansas?

This is a concept which highlights that even small changes can have dramatic effects. And I believe that ties into our upbringing.

We are complex beings who truly have lots of potential passions we didn’t even know was there in the first place.

In fact, I am willing to bet that if someone was born into a certain family, raised with a certain set of values and shown a certain set of opportunities, that person would find a passion correlating to those experiences.

Let’s name our hypothetical character Bob.

Under the first set of circumstances, Bob may find a passion for medicine, and become a brain surgeon. But if Bob was born to different parents with a different set of values and different opportunities presented, he may find a calling towards being an actor on Broadway. In a different parallel universe, he may have found a strong calling towards helping struggling families as a social worker.

Because of this, I genuinely believe that our potential purposes and passions often lie covered under a veil, waiting to be discovered.

• Just because you have an interest in engineering does not mean that you would not also find a strong calling as a chef.
• Just because you have an interest in marketing does not also mean that you would not also have a strong calling in dentistry.
• Just because you have a strong interest in law does not also mean that you would not also find a strong calling as a graphic designer.

You just haven’t experienced them yet, with a particular upbringing and external factors which would reveal how much you actually appreciate that field.

And you do not need to know or experience all of these passions, either. The exciting thing about all of this is that you will most likely reveal at least one of them, even if the road to get there seems crooked, windy and elusive.

You Can Always Reinvent Yourself

As I have stated before, figuring out your life is in itself, a lifelong process. Just because you went down one path does not mean that you cannot later shift into another one. And it is perfectly okay if you do.

Your Purposes Will Morph And Grow With You

We all have several missions and purposes for what we should do. Some of them happen simultaneously. Some of them happen at very specific points in your life.

For example, your purpose when you got your first job as a teenager was to make money and learn about money management. Your purpose later in life may be to manage other people’s money.

Your purpose as a kid was to have fun and play with your toys, while your purpose as an adult is to take care of yourself and your family (assuming you have a spouse and/or kids).

One of your purposes in school may have been to learn how to stand up to bullies and be resilient, while your purpose later as an adult may translate into serving a career in the military.

Life Is A Lot More Forgiving Than You May Realize

Just because you may have realized that law school was not for you does not mean that you have to be a lawyer in order to pay off your student debts. Just because you studied something in school that did not turn out to truly excite you does not mean that you are locked in a cell and forced to commit to that field for the rest of your life (or at all, for that matter).

If you were in a marriage for several years (or decades) which turned out to be unhappy and resulted in a divorce, it does not mean that you cannot rebound and find truly amazing love.

Imagine going into a restaurant and ordering a meal, just to realize something was wrong with your order. You are not committed to eat what is right in front of you. Just address the issue, and all will be taken care of.

It’s Perfectly Okay To Ask For Help

Just because life is a journey of discovering oneself does not mean that you have to go it alone. Many wise people have walked the path you are on at various stages, and they are happy to help. You can get a lot by asking, whether it be for feedback, advice, assistance and personal explorations.

You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

Just Pick Something and Go With It

“If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.” -Anatole France

In my case of going to film school and also studying marine biology, they both scratched an itch I had in different ways. Sure, they did not turn out to be what I initially expected they would be. But honestly, I would rather try something and realize it is not quite for me than to not try a path I was curious about, and look back and wonder how things would have gone if I tried that path.

Besides, I was still able to apply some analytical thinking skills I gained from my marine biology degree into my current field. And my film school skills have definitely helped me with content creation!